I'm not really the type of person to keep a diary or journal, but mum said that it would be good to just write down my thoughts somewhere so I'm not bottling them up or whatever. All I have is this refill pad so this is probably gonna get lost as soon as I finish it but it's fine. Mum said to think of it like writing psychology notes (I'm not really into psychology but whatever sure I see what she was trying to do). Who knows, maybe this refill pad will be my diary now. Probably not. As for my feelings uhhh I don't know. I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm feeling kind of useless overall?? It just feels like I didn't really do much? Now Zara's dead, Flits gone all 'murder mystery detective', and Rivka's shut herself away in her house. I just want to scream and punch a wall really hard I don't know. Zara's funeral is tomorrow, I don't think many people will show up. Probably just our families and anyone else who was bored enough to attend the funeral of a girl they all hated. That's the thing I hate about this place, it feels like they never really liked Zara. Like sure, she just showed up one day but did you even try to get to know her? No! Of course they didn't. She didn't go to church, so they didn't like her and it's just UGH. I feel so angry at so many different people but most of all I just feel really sad. I lost one of my best friends. We lost one of our best friends. Now we're gonna have to try to pick up our lives and continue on. I really want to be there for the other two but I don't even know what to do with myself right now. It's all happening too fast. Mum said that looking at photos and remembering good times might help, so I guess I've been trying to do that. I've got some group photos on my wall and desk, but for some reason I just find myself staring at the photo of her on the home page of Flit's blog. The 'HAVE YOU SEEN THIS GIRL' one. It's weird, she looks exactly the same as I remember, and if I cross-reference it with other photos she looks the same there too. But that's not who I saw in the ground that night. I don't want to think about who I saw in the ground last night. Is this really helping me? I don't know. I guess? I guess at least these thoughts are on a piece of paper right now instead of bouncing around in my head. That's probably better than I was 15 minutes ago. I don't think I want anyone to read this. I'm going to hide it in my room somewhere and try to forget about it. I really want to forget about everything right now. Thanks mum for the idea. I hope you can find peace Flit. I hope you can forgive yourself Rivka. I miss you, Zara.